“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again