I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The USS B port
Any refunds available?…
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.