I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second