I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew