My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My Guy
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.