airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Just as the prophecy foretold
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine