“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”