I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Smooooooth
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.