I’m having an out of money experience.
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture