@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.

@LeahGoRound: Every time I get out of a small car it looks like a giraffe being born.

@lemmywinkler: Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

@samalmightysam: The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

@TheSwanDon: So my dad was all "stop eating my pills" and then I was like "stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp"