I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: