I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out