I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit