I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
constantly working on myself.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
This will teach them to underestimate me
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.