I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Who.
Did.
This?
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Well well well…
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”