I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc