I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
You Might Also Like
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?