I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
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I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.