@rickygervais: I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different colours.
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@TheMichaelRock: CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves. Me: I don't rake. CW: Leaves will kill your grass! Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.
@BillFienberg: Dad: What do you want for your birthday? Me: I want a gf thats not crazy. Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
@Marlebean: [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.
@MatCro: [GF comes home to find our son alone] Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk! ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM