[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway