paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
oh shit
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
had to share :’)
ok this is my dumbest yet
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up