Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.