[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
called in thicc to work this morning
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Dance like you’re not the father
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
? 💀
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]