“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
This is amazing.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system