@Kathleen_McGee: The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren't drinking for a while & they think you're getting your shit together

@lovemydogduck: I have an eating disorder. I'm about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

@TheWhaleFacts: The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can't.

@D2BMcG: My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is "what did they just say?"

@abhorrent_wife: Everybody's getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year. Related: Don't eat cookies while you're licking envelopes.