@treywafer: On behalf of black people, I'd like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@djdarrellripley: Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman's brain is lighter than a man's. Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@MummaCrazy: "Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.." [rubs up against your leg] "that's better" -cats

@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.

@whalesmells: Gf: What's the dog eating? Me: Piece of hotdog. Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.