Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
i wish i could marry a nap
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Wednesday
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive