Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Love is in the air fryer.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.