@1evilidiot: I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend's in the future.
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@iamburtjarvis: [2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure] other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
@BonaFideIntent: HR: Me: HR: Me: HR: "..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane's forehead..." Me: HR: Me: "..it was the last twizzler" HR: Me: HR: Me: *eats twizzler*
@Reverend_Scott: And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."
@TheToddWilliams: "Nothing is certain, except death and taxis." Don't you mean "ta-- *gets run over by a cab*