@1evilidiot: I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend's in the future.
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@MatCro: COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
@EndhooS: Cop: Are you drunk? Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants* Cop: WOW. Yes actually. Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
@HaramiParindey: Interviewer : What are your expectations? Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job? Me : Salary
@amydillon: When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?