I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
🤣🤣🤣
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.