I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
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My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party