Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Good news
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
OH. COME. ON.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat