I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!