Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.