Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This will never not be funny to me.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.