Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Good news
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Erm…
Has science gone too far?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him