[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.