Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Oh the world we live in…
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?