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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
🤣🤣💀
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”