“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
North and South
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
We’ve all been there…
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.