@BuckyIsotope: "I'm in international waters, your damn laws can't touch me" I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
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@garrettbarry70: Staying at my daughter's place again this weekend. Can't wait till 3am so I can wake her to tell her there's a moth in my room.
@JediGigi: Me: [being murdered] Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
@GingerHotDish: *Throws up some gang signs* *stabs self in eye with salad fork* Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.