I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Mistakes were made
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime