“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job