Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.