I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?