@Madame_Royale: I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.
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@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@emireecraire: Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter
@dafloydsta: [speed dating] HER: So what do you- ME: How fast can you order a pizza? HER: I don't- ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT