I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*