@donni: "I'm in the best shape of my life!" -Newborn baby
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@internetluke: [at dinner party] Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant. Vegan: I'm vegan
@njlitigator: Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
@PaperWash: [Jesus opens his fortune cookie] SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU "Uh oh" YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9 "Haha nice!"