“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph