“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.