Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos