I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My Sentiments Exactly
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Wait a minute