*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
You Might Also Like
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”