@Jake_Vig: I'm inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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@panmidwest: CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5's and a 10? ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote 'never change' in my high school yearbook] no
@DirtMcTurd: Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
@TheJessicaLong: The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn't prepare you for the real world.