I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference