@Jake_Vig: I'm inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
@JermHimselfish: Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
@PanicRestroom: He died doing what he loved: being alive
@Jam453Lane: When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.
@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.