I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins